Saw the guy who told me he could rape me and no one would care or stop him when I was at the bus stop today. I am still scared of him but I smile anyway. I shouldn’t and I know it but I think it reminds him of that day too. When after he told me he could and might of planned to I just smiled despite the drop in my stomach and said “You won’t do that because you are a nice guy.” and he was so thrown off by it. I kept smiling despite mentally begging any higher power out there to get me out of there and… I got out untouched.

The creep has not talked to me since but I still fear him. And the damn obvious clues he was a sicko. How he mocked me for being a child till he found out I was older than 18 and began hitting on me shamelessly in basically the same breath.

I am glad he got on a different bus. He kept looking at me though while at the bus stop. Everytime I would look up he’s glance away but I took to watching him in the bus windows reflection before they let anyone board and kept seeing him looking back at me.

I feel all gross inside. I started off in such a decent mood today and now…

Your life is fine you little emo piece of shit. Buck up already!

I know. I know… I know… But I still feel lower than dirt, unwanted, and pathetic.

You are but beyond that everything is fine. So shut the fuck up and stop crying.

Gods, I’m trying. I just wish this feeling would stop or ease up instead of intensifying when I’m by myself.

It’s another weekend. You’re almost always by yourself. Get over it.

It hurts to breath from crying. Gods, I know things are pretty well but why do I always get this way? I just… want to be around people…

Stop crying. It’s not helping.

…I know…

Unnatural feeling?

I am curious and terrified about this feeling. I want to know if other people ever feel this way but at the same time, I am stupidly afraid that you/they never do and will find me a little more strange then I am already perceived.

See, I have this sensation, if you will, that makes it feel like I am in third person. As if I am just a foggy inkling of myself and a true being in just waiting underneath my flesh, wearing me like a suit that is a few sizes too small. This feeling happens more often then I care to admit but when it strikes, it’s like I am about to bust but before I can I get my thoughts shoved aside and they feel more like whispers as this ‘other person’ takes over.

I don’t know. I probably sound beyond insane.
It’s just- when I realize it’s happening, I am strangely fascinated but equally perturbed. I also feel incredibly depressed but in such a way that I boarder on pure rage. Everything makes that little shoved aside me feel like the world hates me so I should set it on fire and laugh as it burns into ash. This though however makes the other side of me twitch with sick anticipation. Sadly, I can see myself twitch and feel it too which either could be normal but like I said, if feels like I am staring at myself from a few feet in distance as this happens.

As I read over what I’ve already typed a part of me wants to delete everything and just keep on acting like this never happens. It’s very tempting to just pretend as if life is rosy with nothing in the world bizarre is happening around me or to me but… I want to know if anyone else feels this way.

Don’t get me wrong, please, I know I am not some special little snow flake. This is not a ‘please pity Terra’ post. This is me trying to branch out and see if this is ‘normal’ or possibly a terrible sign to something I can’t hope to fully fathom.
This is so much more to this fucked up sensation but I can’t really describe it properly.

…Is there anyone else who feels this way or can tell me their opinion of what is going on?