My mind has been a right mess as of late. I am very proud of my pals, especially Kitty who went out and is making her dreams come true. It’s so admirable and brave. Then I look in the mirror and ask myself what the hell am I doing with my life and my heart just sinks into a dark abyss. 

See- there are so many things I want to do. I know if I could put my heart into it I could at the very least confidently say that I tried and would be happy for just getting that far. But my god, my pride is so shattered. Each goal that I want to achieve so disparately gives me a spark of motivation to at least try but then old memories of classmates and my parents come to the surface and I can hear the words so clearly. All of the typical “You’ll never be able to do it.” and “You are wasting your time. Someone as worthless as you could never do something like that.” The comments go on and on and I know it’s been at least five years since I have had anyone tell me that I can not do anything right since I moved out from that hell hole but their words still haunt me. They wound my very soul and I just break down and cry because a part of me believes that everything holds a sour truth to it. Every lie holds that sick twisted truth and I want so bad to believe that I am better then drowning myself in those old memories but I am not.

…I have a pile of leather sitting in this room for a costume I wanted to make, and I still want to make it but when I see it I just hear those voices telling me I am going to fuck it up horribly. Chances are, I will, but how can I know for sure if I am reluctant to try? So I kick myself in the ass and work on a tiny piece of it to give myself motivation and confidence but as I near completing that little piece, I can feel my hands shake and I sink into the past once more.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to let it go. I need to forget those people who have wounded me and push myself forward with stride. At the very lest, I need to get my backbone back and show them that I am worth the space I am taking up. That I can and will do what I want in life. That I will be a person my younger self would be proud of becoming.

….

You know what- fuck it! I will become the person I need to be. I am going to be the best fucking Terra I can be and when I achieve it I will stand tall. I show the world that it can’t keep me down any more! I am going to be the angel of shadows that I see in my heart and I will rise up and spread my wings. I am sick of hating myself and after all of these years of being shackled down, I will break free. I will do what is needed to be done and be a positive example for those who are like me and have been wronged their whole lives. I am not saying that this will be an easy path for me or anyone but when I hit a blockade, I will try not to give up like my old self. No, this Terra will try to figure out how to remove it and push on.

Here’s hoping that I can do this and stick to it for the rest of my life! 

P.S. If you are reading this later, future me, remember that there is one person in this world that you don’t ever want to disappoint or let down ever again and if you want to see him again you are going to have to do your best. The struggle will be there but if you never give up and keep moving forward, you will see your little brother again. The two of you will rise up and nothing will ever be impossible ever again. YOU CAN DO IT FUTURE SELF! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

~Terra