I am tired.

I am tired.
I have been out of the closet as trans at work since my birthday back in October.
Still they laugh and make jokes about me.
Only two there address me properly.
One being our store manager and the other is leaving us in less then a week.
My therapist won’t return my calls.
The last thing she told me was that I would be receiving a call soon for my progress with T.
I thought I had finally jumped through enough hoops to get where I needed to be in life.
I was so stoked for this year.
But the call never came.
I waited thinking maybe they were busy.
Nothing.
I ran out of my meds and went to get a refill.
The same meds that my therapist said I would have to be weened off of later down the road.
I’ve been off Abilify for three weeks now, cold turkey.
I feel so shitty inside.
I’ve been throwing up more than I used to.
I’ve been having issues with sleeping half the time.
I have been having cramps but no period.
My joints are acting up so badly.
I thought about killing myself today.
She won’t answer me.
I was so close to being more like the person I see myself as.
I seriously gave it my all.
I answered every humiliating question they asked of me.
They said they believed me and would help me with my goals.
I believed her.
I trusted her.
My therapist isn’t responding.
I hate myself.
I thought things were going to get better.
And some things have.
But I am depressed again.
I feel more emotionally wrecked then when I first started seeing her.
I cried so hard that I vomited.
Then I thought about all my privileges and felt worse for letting myself get so upset.
I cried harder and hated myself more.
I am so tired.
I am so fucking tired.
But tomorrow I am going to try again.
But I fear nothing will change.
I am sorry that I’m such a downer.
I wish I could continue to act happy for your sake.
But it’s hard.
I’ll do my best though.
If only because I love you guys.

~Terra